My Life With Autism & ADHD
Firstly, it is important to acknowledge that Autism and ADHD (AuADHD) are utterly bewildering, especially to us on the inside. I know the most visible aspect tends to be in social situations as, for much of my life I have considered myself an alien struggling to adapt to a world full of secretive social conventions which vary from group to group.
Ironically, I’m using an analogy here, which makes me smile, because analogies have caused me many problems, especially as a child. My brain processes language very literally, so I constantly analyse conversations afterwards to determine whether someone was being sarcastic, metaphorical, or using one of the many other mysterious ways in which people communicate. Over the years, I have learnt the rules of a host of social situations and this, combined with my filter process, works well much of the time. Occasionally, my brain bypasses this filter, when this happens humour is my way out. My friends often recount when I’ve mis-read a situation and that is useful, it all gets stored in the social behaviour file in my brain. It is worth pointing out that usually the only person feeling humiliated is me, I’ve got used to that, unfazed is my superpower.
This is undoubtedly the area where I am most lucky, I had parents who loved me despite, or possibly because of my weirdness. I learnt social skills from my dad, an incredibly charismatic and funny man, I studied him, tried to understand why he was funny, could I learn his secret? Along with my mum, he must have struggled to understand this child who refused to go to school as the environment was, for me, chaotic and traumatising, yet passed exams with apparent ease. Not all exams, if something doesn’t interest me then I have no engagement with it. Faking interest isn’t something I can do. I did however spend much of my time learning in museums and libraries, curators and librarians seemed to have so much more time than teachers did.
Sensory Overload
Going somewhere new is another minefield, I have a sponge-like brain and in a new environment consume everything I see and hear, it is completely overwhelming and can cause anxiety even panic attacks, as my senses become overloaded with all the stimuli. From posters, drinks, menus, music, conversation, people, outfits, everything. This is called Sensory Processing Disorder and is one of the biggest challenges of living with AuADHD, it’s why so many prefer strict routines and familiar locations. I have tried many ways of coping but still the first hours, or even days, somewhere new are exhausting.
Working Life and the Binary Brain
Work too, is complex. I was once described as eminently unemployable. The person who said it meant it as a compliment, though I took it as mere factual observation. Self‑employment has been liberating because it lets me work with, rather than against, the way my brain functions.
My mind seems to function in two distinct ways.
I get hyper-focused, where breaks spoil the rhythm. This is called time-blindness, I get lost in what I am doing and subsequently am completely hopeless at timekeeping or working with the schedule of others.
Other days my brain won’t engage at all and it’s best to chill out until it does.
This creates problems with a strict 9-5 routine, as I can get well ahead by working obsessively, only to find I am not allowed the downtime when I need it. There are occasions when the downtime never comes, especially on projects where I have a high level of engagement. Possibly because of this hyper-focus, I tend to be very direct when communicating, I have been told that I am very difficult to work with, which is painful to hear. Like many things, I’ve learned to brush it off and see it as part of my difference but this, I am told, makes things worse as I seem aloof, when all I really want to do is get the job done. There is no doubt that being so mis-understood in this way is tough, especially when I genuinely like working alongside people.
Combatting time-blindness and hyper-focus requires meticulous planning, this not only helps my need for routine but also ensures that I can avoid the worst part of AuADHD, causing genuine hurt because I’ve missed an appointment or not finished a piece of work. Setting lots of reminders and making endless lists helps this and in the age of mobile devices this is much easier.
One of the most damaging misconceptions about Autism and ADHD is that we lack emotional depth. I think this comes from difficulties with social interaction and small talk, but it is both wrong and very damaging. I feel emotion, often very intensely. I simply struggle to express what’s going on inside me with any eloquence. When it comes out it is often direct and my words are received very differently to how they were sent, this can be helped with honest, direct communication, the ability to listen, understand when the words may not fit the person and question me when they don’t.
The difficulty with relationships, both personal and professional allows me to conclude with the symptom that has the greatest impact on me, depression. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that problems with self-esteem and developing or maintaining relationships would lead to depression. However, because Autism or ADHD is a child onset condition and I, like many others wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, the signs aren’t picked up, least of all by me.
Media Myths
Another misconception, largely because it is presented in films and media, is the association between Autism and high intelligence. From a personal perspective, I am aware that as I grew up much was, and still is, made of my academic ability, probably because it was a nicer subject than the many social faux pas. (Getting the experience, I build my filters on wasn’t easy). However, I attribute much of my perceived intelligence to hyper-focus on a very narrow range of interests, mine just happened to be science and mathematics. I certainly do not have a wide range of knowledge and am unlikely to be an asset to your quiz team. The truth is, I would trade 50 points of IQ for being neurotypical any day.
Conclusion
It’s not all negative. I’ve had a fortunate, opportunity‑filled life and have always tried to seize the chances that came my way. I mask a lot, that is adopting behaviours that match the social environment, but this has made me something of a chameleon. My closest friends say they enjoy my company. Perhaps the unpredictability is part of the charm, I honestly do not know.
What I do know is that I share this not to elicit sympathy, but to offer insight. Many of us with AuADHD experience these challenges. Greater understanding benefits everyone
